Spring is Here

Today is the first day of truly nice weather we have had all year. It is 65 degrees or so –several degrees warmer than any other day this year – and I finally get to open the windows that have remained motionless for so many months. When I walk into rooms they smell different and feel different.

As I write this from my sunny backporch, Tryn is leaping around the backyard singing, “It’s is finally SPRING! It is finally SPRING! Favorite season, favorite season.” And Berlin, in a sleeveless dress, tights and sparkle shoes, is marching around the yard chanting things about spring: "Spring is here. Piper can be outside. All the time. Spring is here. Little baby trees. And baby Jesus. We can have fun in the sun."

There is leaping, running, dancing and lots of singing.

It is glorious.

It is even more glorious to me this spring as this winter will be remembered as a long one. Literally and otherwise. The feeling that most of my world is feeling today, that glorious realization that the days hoped for are finally here, I already waited for once this year. The days of sickness in our house felt to me like a dark winter with long awaited days of health. And it didn’t stop snowing until APRIL 23. It snowed several times in April in fact, after the winter with several months of sickness. It really was a long winter.

Ironically, Kye started coming down with a cold yesterday and is in full blown cold and teething mode today. But it feels impossible to be unhappy about anything. 

Spring is here. The long wait is finally over.

We are very excited.

Bigger Than Social Media

I read another blog article the other day. The kind where someone is calling me to stop using Instagram, stop getting on Facebook, stop looking at Pinterest, and to stop reading blogs. You know the kind. If only I stop using social media my life will be much fuller, better, fulfilled, and more meaningful. 

The problem is that I don’t think that minimizing my usage or quitting is going to make me feel better about anything.  If I go on Pinterest and feel dissatisfied because I see a picture of The Perfect Kitchen, will I suddenly start being satisfied with everything I have if I never go back to Pinterest? If I’m on Facebook and see that everyone and their mother has been on a vacation in the past few months while I haven’t been on a vacation in the past couple of years, will I suddenly start feeling better if I never go on Facebook? I think not.

I get the point. Sort of. If the good parts of all of your friend’s lives are not right in your face whenever you are bored, you might find yourself a little less unsatisfied a little more often. I agree that real relationships cannot be built via the Internet. However, social media is not the cause of the problem. It’s you. It’s me. It’s the status of our hearts. If I get on Facebook or Pinterest and start feeling dissatisfied with my life or hurt by people because of their careless comments about who knows what, who is to blame? Facebook doesn’t cause me to be unhappy. And, to be honest, neither do any of those people. They didn’t post their comment with me in mind, trying to make me feel or be a certain way. No. It is just me. My response is all my own.

The crux of the issue is not whether or not I have a Facebook account, use Instagram, read blogs, or look at Pinterest. The question is did I wake up satisfied today? Did you wake up thankful for the things that you already have, for the blessings in your life? Did you give thanks for any of the things that you have before you opened up your computer and jumped online? Are you thankful that you are privileged enough to have a functional kitchen in a warm house before you got on Pinterest found the picture of The Perfect Kitchen?

Have you found enough satisfaction in the life that you live and lead so that you don’t need to go on vacation to enjoy the life that you already have? Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and see the world as much as anybody else, truly. I LOVE to travel. Love. Then we had three kids and decided to live on one income. But that didn’t negate the fact that I have dreamed of going to go to Italy since I was a little girl. Then all of my friends, and their friends, and the friends of friend’s acquaintances started going to Italy/wherever without me. And I didn’t want to look at their pictures online because they were doing something that was surely going to make me happy and I couldn’t go. But I couldn’t just stop looking at the pictures online as a remedy for my jealousy. What did that solve? I still saw friends, still heard travel stories, still knew that people went on trips – all without the help of social media. But after realizing that nobody I know has a more fulfilled life because of their vacations, I started to really evaluate my need to travel. Going to Italy wasn’t going to make my life better. Not to mention I am so blessed to be living the life that I have, I should be able to be completely satisfied and happy even if I never go to Italy or take another vacation ever. Italy sure would be fun, but it’s an expensive and extravagant form of fun (that I am sure I will partake of someday) that is not going to make me more Christ-like, more satisfied, or more content with my everyday life. 

If I am only asking myself the question, “Why do I look at Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest when all it does is make me feel unsatisfied?” I am really missing the question, “Have I found enough satisfaction in the life that I live and lead so that I don’t need to go on vacation to enjoy the life that I already have?” If I started to think that the only time I could really be happy is when I was traveling or vacationing, of course I was totally going to feel jealous or envious or dissatisfied every time I saw someone’s travel pictures. 

If I am not fully living here, right where I am, finding satisfaction with my everyday life and the things that I have, that is not the fault of social media. It is the fault of my own ungrateful heart. There is a reason why 1 Timothy 6:6 reads, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.” Being a follower of Christ and being content do not go hand in hand. If Eve had been content in the garden do you think she would have eaten the forbidden fruit? Being discontent and dissatisfied are at the core of our sinful selves, cutting out social media won’t fix that. If I think about how Jesus would live a life here, in the midst of social media and all that we have, I am not sure what Jesus would think. Personally, I don’t think Jesus would be campaigning to get everyone off Facebook . Instead I think he would call us all to examine our own hearts, to figure out why we feel dissatisfied or unhappy, and to change our hearts first of all. If changing our hearts resulted in less FB interactions, less Instagramming, and less computer time in general – well, great! I think he would just be calling us to live more Christ centered lives, and if we did all of those other things would become a little bit more irrelevant.

Two Little Berlin Stories

Yesterday Berlin was in the middle of yet another fever. She had fallen asleep on the couch and so Steve carried her upstairs and put her to bed. When she woke up she was really warm, like 103.7 warm. Steve gave her some medicine and I got a cold wash cloth to put on her forehead to try to bringing her fever down a little. 

Steve left and I laid down next to Berlin and put the cloth on her face. She peeked open her eyes to see what I was doing. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. I ask her what’s wrong. Nothing. I ask her again. She said I don’t know. It was like a game of Twenty Questions only I am sure we went well beyond twenty. Something was clearly wrong and she either did not know what it was or did not want to tell me.

Finally I asked if she was worried. Yes, she said. Really? Yes. Okay, well, what are you worried about? I don’t know. 

We began to repeat Twenty Questions.

Then I remembered. Last week I rearranged the living room. More like spring cleaned and rearranged the living room, which took most of one whole day. Part of that time I had Little Women playing on the TV for background noise. Well, Beth, one of the sisters, gets scarlet fever and then later dies from it. All they show is her lying fevered in bed, and being cooled with a wash cloth to her forehead.

Oh. Oh my. 

Sweetie, are you afraid you are going to die? With tears still falling and ragged scared breaths Berli nodded yes. Like she did in the movie last week? Another nod. 

My dear sweet sensitive girl. 

Not if I can help it. And definitely not today from this fever. I promise, promise.

Today, still tired with her fever, I tried to convince Berli it would be a good idea to take a nap. This is like trying to tell a cat that it would be fun to take a bath. You know how that goes. Berlin is calmer than a cat in her response, but the answer is still the same: Heck no.

I could tell she was tired though. Her fever was 100.2-101.6 all day, which would make anyone tired. Then I finally got it. Berlin is our child who was hard to potty train. The reason being that she was always having way too much fun to even think about going to the bathroom. This resulted in many races to the toilet to see if we could make it in time and ever so many accidents, some while we were just trying to get pants off. Finally, after 5 years, I finally realized why Berlin doesn’t like to nap. Why didn’t I see this before?  

I ask, are you worried about missing something fun? She doesn’t even answer. Her whole face just changes and she suddenly lets her real tired show. Her eyes fill up with tears in a way that only I understand because I am her mother and she gets that from me. 

If I promise that we will not do anything at all fun will you please take a nap? A slow nod yes. 

Oh, good.

 I'm glad that has been figured out. 

My Long Winter

111 days. That’s how many days it has been since Thanksgiving. Out of those 111 days I think that someone has been sick in this house for all but maybe 10 of those days. The only days I can literally remember not one of us being sick was from Christmas Day to New Years Day. 

101 days of sickness. 

The person most sick has been Kye, which, for obvious reasons, is the hardest. He is a 21 month old boy. He is active, rambunctious, learning to test me and test his limits, and so very busy. Over the past 111 days he has also added a lot of whining and picky eating to his repertoire of descriptors. He used to be my best eater, but sick kids are finicky and when they are sick for almost 111 days straight they live and breathe pickiness. 

Although I have nothing to contend with Laura Ingalls, this is my version of The Long Winter. 

I’ve had my own sickness during this time, starting with the flu, two other stomach bugs, two colds, and a bout of pink eye that lasted for 6 days and was then followed by a weeklong head stuffy cold.

Seriously. 

Sometime back in January I said, “This has to be it. We have gotten all the illnesses there are to get, right? I think we are done being sick.” That was more than 60 days of sickness ago. Now I have been taking care of sick kids for 111 days, not to mention homeschooling for the first time, trying to keep Heidi Haines Photography up and running, and all the general household upkeep and trying to make healthy food for my family. I am tired. And just a little bit discouraged. 

Back in January I wrote a post about how God has been good to me. I still firmly believe that, but you want to know what else I have also discovered since then? Seeing God at work in my life has more to do with me that it does with anything else. 

I know this because I learned it the hard way. In February, after some 80ish days of sickness, I got really tired, so tired and discouraged that I didn’t care anymore. I stopped acknowledging God’s blessings in my life, I stopped saying thank you, I stopped being grateful. God did not change during this time. He didn’t stop being the same consistent, faithful God that He is without fail. The only thing that changed was me. I got burnt out on sick life and stopped looking around me - I started to only look at myself.

Want to know what happened? I became icky to be around. I was crabby, every day felt so hard, and even Steve, who loves me like no other, didn’t have much tolerance for me. To be honest, I didn’t have much tolerance for me either. I think the only people who actually wanted to be around me during that time were my kids, bless their little hearts. 

After all this, I finally have an answer to the one inquiry that was posted in response to that blog that I wrote back in January. The Lord was good to me last year, so good. BUT, He has been good to me every year. Yes, lots of years were harder for me than last year, but that has nothing to do with God. What changed is that I changed last year. I spent the entire year being thankful and grateful on a daily basis, saying out loud, “Jesus, I am SO thankful for my kids, I am so grateful for my house, I love my neighborhood, I am so thankful for ______” I acknowledged Jesus in my life and I acknowledged my blessings every day. And I felt SO blessed, not because Jesus was blessing me more, but just because I was being thankful and I was content. 

We are still not done being sick. Two days ago Berlin went sledding and her face connected with a chunk of ice after a full speed jaunt down the hill. She looks like someone took a 2x4 to the left side of her face. The scariest moments in parenthood are the ones when you realize that your kids will have accidents and there is nothing you can do to stop it. She could have been hurt so much worse and it was so scary. I still feel a little sick when I think about what could have happened. The next day Kye woke up with yet another fever. After our second trip to the doctor in one week I was told that he either has pneumonia or is just getting another cold. You have GOT to be kidding me. 

Although this is completely discouraging, the one thing that I will not forget this week is to say, “The Lord has been good to me.” 

The Lord has been good to me.

Despite the emotionally longest winter I have had in years, the Lord has not changed. He is faithful, He is consistent, He loves me, He is at work in my life, and He sees me. He sees me. Yes, my kids have been sick for a long, long time, but there is still so much good in my life. So much to be thankful for.

The Lord has been so good to me.

(Small disclaimer: I actually started this blog on Tuesday, when it was 111 days. Today it makes 114 days.)

Happy Birthday Berlin

Berlin,

You turned five!! I can not tell you what a joy the past five years have been to have you a part of our lives. You bring so much life and light and happiness to our family. 

One of the things that I love most about you is your passion for life. That combined with your happy, content, easy going attitude about most everything makes you dynamic in a great way. You are a wonderful, happy, bubbly, energetic, sweet, sensitive, helpful, loving little girl and you have captured my heart.

I love that you still call me Mama and that you still say "later ago" when you are talking about the past. I love that you like to make people laugh, you are still a good story teller. I love that you are the last of my babies to fall asleep every night and the last to wake up every morning. You are a good friend and good at making new friends. I like that you find your own things to do and love outside of what your siblings are doing, that you don't feel that pressure to be like everyone else.

For your birthday we had a treasure hunt to find your very own (plastic) bow and arrow. I never would have guess that could be the best present my five year old girlie could get, but this might be your favorite birthday for a few years to come. You have never loved a present more. We also had some of your girlfriends over to do some crafts with you. You love (love, love, love, love, love) to do crafts and projects and be with friends, so it was all around pretty great. It was a good day.

You are treasured and loved deeply by Daddy and me.

Love, Mama


The questions we asked you.

Favorite color: Purple

Favorite food: Chicken from the rooster (chicken on the bone) and the chicken that I like (homemade sweet and sour chicken)

Favorite dessert: Ice Cream

Favorite thing to do: To go to the beach and to play with Ava and Tryn

Favorite game: Hide and Go Seek

Favorite toy: New Brave dress and bow and arrows

Favorite movie: Brave

Favorite song: Brave soundtrack

Dreams Do Come True

I tried posting these pictures shortly after Christmas, really. I did. Twice. Only I have a super special computer that likes to do really special things like freeze up and not upload pictures. Special. So, sorry to be posting these pictures in February, I know, Christmas is way over.

I wanted to post these pictures because I think this was the most beautiful Christmas tree we ever had. Don't you think it's pretty?

Not only that, but there were two things that were especially exciting to me this past holiday. One was this mirror. How exciting is a mirror? Not very, I know. BUT, Steve and I bought this mirror at a garage sale about 4 years ago in hopes that we would have the right kind of house to put it in someday. It's an old mirror, antique and vintage looking, and it would only look really good in the right kind of house. We bought the mirror and said to each other, "Hopefully we will have the right kind of house to put this in someday." And now we do. We finally hung it up and it fits here perfectly. 

The second really exciting thing is that I have always dreamed of having a fireplace in my house. Ever since I was a little girl I thought it would just be the most wonderful thing to have a nice cozy fireplace for cold winter nights, of course with snow falling softly outside. And stockings. Stockings are meant to be hung by the chimney with care and where do you hang stockings without a chimney?! Lots of places, I'm sure, but this year I got to hang stockings by my chimney with care and it was magical.

So, that's all. I just wanted to acknowledge that sometimes dreams really do come true, even the little ones that don't matter. Little things like stockings by the fireplace and the perfect place to hang the right mirror are not necessary to survive in this world, but they were my dreams all the same. I am so thankful for these small unnecessary blessings in my life. It could just be coincidental, but it sure feels like Someone noticed my dreams, that Someone cared. I think Someone did. Not because I deserve it, but just because I am Loved.  

Continually thankful.