Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I Will Never

(I am attempting a non-kid related post, let me know what you think!)

While growing up I had a friend who desperately wanted to be a pastor’s wife. I don’t even really remember why, but that’s just what she wanted to do, be a mother and a pastor’s wife. Being a pastor’s wife was, honestly, the very last thing that I could think of wanting to be when I grew up. When we would talk about it, I remember telling my friend that I NEVER wanted to be a pastor’s wife.

Well, my friend married an electrician and I, of all people, married a pastor…of sorts. It sounds weird and funny to even say that and, for all technical purposes, Steve’s title is not “blah, blah Pastor of anything”. He does, however, work at a church. He does hold the role that, at many churches, is titled Worship Pastor. For as many places as he has ever been the worship leader, I think “pastor” has managed to stay out of his title for some reason or another. Maybe so I could more easily ignore the fact that I am indeed what I said I would never be, a pastor’s wife.

You see, all of the reason that I did not want to be a pastor’s wife are still part of my life. For starters, you know the whole Sunday-morning-getting-your-kids-ready-for-church-chaos that most parents deal with together? I do that by myself almost every time I go to church. I rush around getting the kids ready, I struggle getting them out the door, I drag them across the parking lot, I convince them that they need to stay in their classrooms so I can go to the service. If, for some reason, they cannot be convinced, I sit with them out in the great room by myself thinking, “Why did I hurry to get here?” Sometimes this has been several Sundays in a row and that causes me to wonder why I still make the effort at all.

I also sit alone during almost every church service. Not only does this suck for the very obvious reason, I am alone, but it also sucks because I am sure that there are other people with imaginations like mine. When I see other people, especially mother’s, at church alone I wonder things. I wonder if their husband ever comes to church with them, if they are married to an unbeliever, if their husband has died, if he is gone to war, if he just doesn’t care, the list goes on and on. I am always very relieved when Steve comes to sit with me; I feel safe from wondering thoughts and made up stories about my supposed life.

However, this also presents a different uncomfortable dilemma. When Steve walks off the stage and has time to come to sit with me, suddenly everyone knows who I am. Yes, nobody will wonder if my husband is at home drunk on the couch while I am at church by myself, but people watch us. And I am sorry if this seems self-centered, to be making these claims, but I know that this is true because I have done it to people myself. It is hard to think that I am the only watcher and wonderer…and besides, I can plainly see people looking at us, especially out of the corner of their eyes. And that isn’t so much the part that I mind. What I really don’t like is that people will learn my name, just because I am Steve’s wife, and suddenly there is this whole group of people who recognize me and know my name and I don’t know who any of them are! Not only that, but they have one name to learn and I have hundreds and I am terrible at remembering names. It is very overwhelming. People will say hi to me and I am not sure if they are saying hi just because they recognize me or if I have actually met them before and I have no idea. I am not a social butterfly nor am I the type of person that knows how to be everyone’s best friend. It’s just not me.

All that to say, I love and adore my husband and I am VERY proud of him. I think he is amazing at his job and he is a very gifted worship leader. The first time I really noticed him was the first time he lead worship for our college group, it was then that I also saw his gift. He has only had three years of piano lessons his entire life and he can play, literally, at least 7 different instruments, though I think we counted once and it was more like 10. He can also write orchestral pieces with parts for an entire orchestra, which is not something many people can do…ever, at all. He is amazing. He is also one of those people who have found something that he is good at and that he also enjoys and gets to do for his job, which is awesome. I wouldn’t change that for a second. So, I guess I might ALWAYS be a pastor’s wife, and I don’t think I will mind. It’s ironic what things you say you will never do that somehow find you anyway…I also said that I would NEVER marry Steve after the suggestion from a friend, but that a whole other story!

5 comments:

Kristy said...

funny how life works out huh? I sympathize with everyone knowing you but you don't know them... my church is way smaller but just the same, everyone knows who I am because I was the children's director- I go into the store and people say Hi to me and I don't have a clue who they are... its awkward, I hear ya!

trish and chris said...

what a smart friend that was ;)
next you should post THAT story.
and props to you for actually writing a non-kid story, lol. i keep wanting to do that, but haven't yet...

The Stephens said...

I just love reading your blog: one, because you are a good writer, and two because even though I've only been to your house once, it makes me feel like part of your life. I miss you already, but the blog helps!

Sara said...

Ah haha! I want to hear the whole 'nother story!

I have always wanted to be a pastor's wife... we have yet to see how that unfolds...

I loved your post though! And you can always sit by me if we are siting in the same service. :-)

The Scottish Wisdom said...

I've learned the hard way never to make those "I will never" declarations... oh wait...